ive been meaning to update for a million years.
i think i forgot half the stuff i wanted to say.

thanksgiving weekend was nice. actually had a good time at grandmas. usually its kinda awkward cause shari is annnoying and i dont really click with my cousins, but i was on my game and was HILARIOUS. hahah at least they thought so. which is ok with me.
chrissy and alaina and christine and beccy were all home. actually saw chrissy and alaina driving on my way to school wednesday. we all got together at zacks that night. friday saw 2012. i dunno if it was just my pms, but i wanted to cry like 3 times. i honestly thought it was better than everyone was saying. it got to my emotions. maybe just the whole thought of saying goodbye to everyone and knowing you are about to die. or the not knowing. i dont want to die, so it scares me.


been sick all week, its been getting better and worse. hopfully its not like donkey flu or some new crap.

we switched to a new computer system at work for scheduling, it kidna does it for them and we can access it online. and it sucks balls. been working mad hours lately. rachels hubby came in from iraq so she needed her shifts covered. i took 15 hours of hers. so i have about 36 hours this week, and scheduled the same next week, although im losing like 3 or so. and throw in the end of the semester and finals? no fun. soooo ready for it to be the 22nd.

so in books and movies and stuff, they always talk about how people look at each other when they are in love. but ive never really seen that before. but im startingn to believe it.
wednesday at zacks, i saw chrissy and alaina talking, and alaina had this expression as she was watching chrissy, and it was soooo obvious how she felt about her. like, i felt embarrased for seeing it, it was so personal seeming.
and then...friday? at work, jakes boyfriend came to get food and they were talking, and his bf was making that exact same face at jake. it was really adorable. i told jake and he just blushed. maybe its just a gay thing idk lol.
but it made me really really want that. i just want someone to look at me like im the only thing in the world. so jel.

everyones getting into car accidents lately. makes me really nervous. i should probably drive slower. but i dont wanna!

life sucks right now.

that busy time before school ends.
plus figuring out my future, all that jazz.
awesome.

have an annoying cough right now, dont want to get sick already =(
kitties have been sick. veronica is all better, but isis is super sick now.

new moon was alright. i would lie and say i hated it.
wouldnt say i loved it either.


havent cried in a while, i feel guilty.

so much i wish i could say.
maybe i can get drunk and spill my secrets again.
=X

things lately have been exactly like in high school, and i absolutely hate it.

boy problems.


it makes me hate myself more and more everyday.

srs biznis time.


so in soc we watched this pbs thing about how like the more money you have and the better education you have, the healthy you are/longer lifespan youll have. and they talked to different people from those different levels and it was kinda sad. because three of the people they showed all worked at the same hospital, one real rich guy who is the ceo, a middle class lady whos going for her degree now, but has a decent job there (reminds me very much of my mom) and a guy who is a janitor and between him and his wife make about 48,000 a year. there was also this lady who lived with her 3 kids and basically had 200 a month for food, so she had to buy super cheap things and said near the end of the month sometiems she would have go to with just one meal a day so the kids could eat. thats alot like what my mom had to do when i was a baby, and it made me really sad. i cant imagine sacrificing so much and still trying to be positive. its so hard. im really thankful for being middle class. not even wealthy, just not so poor that i notice. like i learned a few years ago that the apartments i lived in were for low income families. i never knew that growing up, and when talking to my dad before, i admitted that i never really noticed that money was tight. i always had the things i needed, and still got extras. thats all i want to be in life. if i can get more, of course ill take it, but i jsut want to be comfortable.

i was thinking about abortions the other day. lol
and im pro choice, but lately ive been wondering why im not against it. when i thoguht about it, i always say pro choice because if i were to suddenly get pregnant now, i wouldnt be able to raise it and take care of it, so i theoretically would abort. but i realized, if my mom had made that choice at my age, i would not be here. thats kinda eye opening...

what a weekend.

last week was amys 21st bday, so we threw her a hotel party. the plan was to go out to dinner, party and drink at the hotel, and play kidnap since shes never played. and it would be a girls night.
well casey and mark planned to kidnap secretly after we kidnap them, so it would seem real and scary. in the end everyone found out besides amy and katie, who were the victims. so jake and another friend were there to play with us. they went back to the hotel with us. we played waterfalls, and i got drunk. well, i joked that mark had herpes, but apparently it might be true, cuz his ex has it. niiiiice. so he thought i knew somehow, but it was all completely a joke. so i was completely mortified. ohh man.
well i guess he gets really upset about that, and was mostly bothered because hes obsessed with alysha and doesnt want her to know. so him and jake had a heart to heart in the bathroom, even though the girls staying could hear them. from what i heard later, mark was puking and crying and spilling his heart. those guys are such homos its hilarious.
anyways, morning after was quite awkward, although he gave me a hug when he left. still, i feel awful. because i would never say that if i had known the truth. im not that mean. but how did i say that of all the things i could have possibly said. it was awful.

so came home saturday and we went to the humane society. and picked out 2 kitties!!!
one is beige and cream, like siamese color, but is super soft and a bit fluffy, and has gorgeous blue eyes. her name is isis and she is 7 months old. her family was apparently allergic or something, so they gave her up about a week ago. the other is all gray, almost 6 months old and is veronica. she was a stray, and is a little skittish. she like crouches when she was walking, and kept looking around. but if you reach out to pet her, she jumps into your hand. mom really wanted to get 2 because we arent really home all that much, and a kitten needs attention, so this way they have each other. which is nice. allie was set in her ways, and really, for most of her life when she was young, she had mandy to mess with, eventhough it wasnt the same as having a kitty friend. but if they get stuck together now, they should get along ok, i hope! they had to get fixed today, so we pick them up tomorrow morning. i cannot wait until i get home tomrrow!
like, i feel real guilty because im getting so excited over these cats, when i had a cat. but im excited about the newness, of the hope that they will be more cuddly or friendly than allie. not that i didnt love how she was. but i think im mostly excited because finally the house wont be empty. its driving me crazy. i still want to go find her when i get home and pet her, and say goodbye before i leave. or to see her out of the corner of my eye. finally i will have things there.

i was thinking today, because of veronica being a stray. we have all these cats that roam around over here. i assume some of them have homes, because i only see them once in a while, but hoby and now spike are always around, and im pretty sure spike doesnt have a home. it made me think about what if someone had taken them to the humane society? what if someone saw hoby and thought oh no! i must save this cat. and at the same time, does this make us bad people for not taking spike? hoby we already knew about when we moved her, that she lived in the neighborhood. but spike is new. i feel kinda bad because he could have a home now, if we had chosen to save him. and what if veronica escaped her house, and someone sent her here and now we take her, but she belongs to someone else? i would feel awful. idk....

the other day in japanese class, we were tlaking about what we want to be, and this one girl said she wants to be a housewife. i was kinda surprised. if thats all you aspire to be, then why are you going here?? like, i udnerstand in this economy its difficult to be able to live without a job, so its good to get a degree and everything, but then why are you spending all the money on UM?? you might as wel go to community college. i didn tget it at all. ive just never had that mindset. i would go crazy if i was stuck in the house all day. i need to interact. but whatever... if thats what makes her happy.

so many empty promises.


i hate how everything fun happens at the same time.

so much hw, but im somehow surviving. (it is only monday night...)



theres talk of kitty searching soon.
i still feel a little guilty, but i really hate the emptiness, and how i expect to hear her movements or see her wandering around.


i dont care if i sound pathetic for being so upset about it. i dont have siblings. she was the closest to one. i could talk to her about anything, because i knew she couldnt tell anyone.
friends were always changing, she was the constant.
hoby wont let me pet her sometiems and its killing me.
i just miss petting her.

i guess i can explain more now. im a little more composed.


so i was taking a nap, when my dad woke me up around 1 and says allies gone. hes crying, and i didnt understand. he said they just called and said it was basically hopeless, so like we already decided, he said to go ahead and put her down. so im sobbing hardcore, and my dad calls my mom and i beg her to come home and she said she cant. call sarah and just basically cry in her ear (thanks girl. ilu) called work and started crying to gary. he was able to get lauren to close for me. im so glad. i would have been an absolute wreck. daddy was crying a bit, but left for work. mom was able to leave early, so she went to pay the bill and pick up the cat carrier. so she talked to the vet and explained more in detail.

so they knocked her out right away, and finally cut her open. turns out the mass she had was a bit bigger than my fist! they showed it to my mom. part of it was the sore we could see, and some of her outside skin. inside was a tumor which he could tell by looking at it that it was malignant. it had an artery in it which was drawing alot of her blood, making her anemic, which is probably why shes been laying around a lot more lately. but this thing had grown into her stomach and intenstine walls. it basically was taking over most of her body. he promised us that it had been growing for quite a while, even before we started to see the lump, and there wasnt really anything else we could have done any earlier or anything. they let my mom see her and she said goodbye for us.

so we cried for a while. alot. my eyes are very dry and very tired right now. im so glad i decided not to wear makeup today. we emptied her dishes and kitty litter, but thats about it. im sving a few of her favorite toys, like i did with mandys. its nice that we dont have to throw stuff out, since we had hoby and spike to feed still.
we talked about if were getting a new cat and when. its hard. i dont want the house to be empty. i think it will just remind us even more that shes gone. but at the same time, i feel like ill be betraying her if we turn around and get a new cat, but it could also help us move on and get over this. my mom knows someone giving away a 3 year old orange cat...idk if we really want another orange cat, and 3 is a bit old. when daddy got home, he cried with us, but agreed and seemed to want one fairly soon for the same reasons as me. probably a baby from the humane society or a rescue shelter. sounds like we might go relatively soon and look for one that likes us all. i would be ok with that, because its really strange expecting to see her come wakling around the hall or coming downstairs and making me pet her. i keep looking over and everything, but im still very concious that shes gone. with mandy, i still would walk into the room and look in there for her. im sure tomorrow and later ill forget and call for her or something...

its amazing how something so small can make such a difference in your life.

last night allies lump broke open and pus was coming out all day. it shrank quite a bit, which seemed like a really good sign.


so the vet called about 30 minutes ago and i guess whatever the lump was, tumor or whatever, had spread to her intestines and such, so my dad told them to go ahead and put her down.
he wouldnt let me go see her, since she was already on the operating table and such.

this doesnt seem real. i was there for mandy, and we knew there wasnt much. allie seemed like it would be ok. she would get fixed. she shouldnt be dying already.


im really glad i took a picture of her this morning, as the last one just in case. i wish i had said a better goodbye. i kissed her and petted her, but i havent picked her up in about a week. im afraid she doesnt know how much i love and and will miss her. i really hope she does. i explained everything to her the other night, and told her if they decide she hurts too much that they will let her go to sleep forever and she will be with mandy. but i dont want her to be with mandy yet. its not time. this hurts so much.




9-3-97 - 10-30-09

i love you allie. ill miss you more than you can ever know.

hello. where have i been??

busy as shit!

this wweekend i went to cleveland for jaynis bday bananza.
got lost in cleveland because they shut down my exit literally just for the night. wtf.
called my parents who wernt home to google and got very frustrated. ended up at a cvs and bought a map.
jayni lost her phone in indiana, so couldnt contact her, literlly called about 40 times.
turns out they lied on facebook. party started at 10 not 8.
people were...interesting. lol hippies.
tbh, my first "real" party like with drinking and pot and dancing and nobody i knew. it was a bit awkward, since jayni was the only one i knew. but all part of that scene right?
ended up being the DD since jayni got TRASHED. very funny. she said lots of silly things that didnt make sense. "she shot the sheep even though the 4H club said not to" hahah
went to her house and ptfoed. had to drive back out to get her car, and then i headed home. 3 hour drives. so annoying that ohio cops hate michigan drivers, so i was sticking to that speed limit like glue. i hated it so much. it was amazing to cross the border and finally go 75 again.

busy busy week. today had the linguistics midterm and japanese oral. have the reading, grammer and listening parts over the next 3 days. ughhh. paper due next week in both philosophy and soc. i hate those classes. blahhhh.

so friday allie is having surgery. shes been having this lump by her hind leg for a while, and its been growing i guess fairly rapidly. we tried to take her to the vet, her fav, shortly after it appeared, but she freaked out even more than usual. so my dad basically decided that we would only take her to the vet one more time, and that would be the end. just hope this thing doesnt hurt her or grow too much. well, came home sunday from dinner, and i saw blood. it looks like the skin there has been stretched so much that its started to rip. its like raw and bloody and all the hair is missing and she keeps licking it. we can avoid that, so my dad made an appointment for surgery. they have to knock her out right away and then cut her open to see what it is, because we arent really sure if its cancer or a cyst or even where its attached. best case scenario, its a cyst that they can drain or cut off. worst case, cancer, or something attached the the leg, meaning amputation. but mom also pointed out that if they see that its something that leaves no hope for her, were probably just gonna put her down then. so basically friday morning i have to say goodbye to her just in case.
yeah...this week has been a lot of crying.
usually its hard for me to spontaneously cry. the one thing that can always bring me to tears right away is thinking about allie or even hoby dying. i dont want that. weve had her for 12 years. shes as much a part of my family as my mom is. i dont want to lose that. im really scared, and im willing to push aside my doubts in order to pray for her health. if she comes out of this ok, i will accept God, i promise. please just dont take her away just yet.

nothing really has been happening.
enjoyed fall break. slept alot and "caught up" on homework.
this coming week i have jap and ling midterms, and a phil essay due, so its gonna be rough.
teeth are finally not hurting so much. just a bit when eating, but i can actually eat bread and things.
hurt all this morning wheneever i yawned, but whatever.


so this girl jill, who was a junior at school died, in some kind of freak asthma incident?
i never knew her, but apparently alot of people did, since she was in band. i feel really bad. how awful that is, for zack and the family. you shouldnt bury your kids. really, you shouldnt have to worry about not seeing them go to prom or graduate or get into college. all the dangerous stuff happens when youre older, its not supposed to happen now.

ive never been to a young persons funeral. always old people, or at least parents age. i cant imagine how different and more...painful it has to be. especially when that person was involved in some type of group that was close like band.
mrs hathaway came into panera today, she does once in a while, and she said today was pretty solemn at school. im sure tomorrow will be just aas bad. its a scary reality check.

it made me think today what it would be like if i died. like, how big of an impact would it have really? id like to think that alot of people would be upset, and write long letters and cry and wish that i was still here and post pictures of the memories. i just want to know that ill be missed and remembered and that it will be hard.
but i dont like thinking about dying, and i dont want to die.

i dunno which is worse, dying before everyone else, or being the last you know to die.
thats why mortality sounds so cool, i dont have to make this decision!


i just hope everyone in jills life can make it through this, because i dont want something like this to happen to me anytime soon.
friends, please dont die, kay???

so yesterday i got my wisdom teeth taken it out.

they gave me a couple of the shots, because at first i turned down the gas. but then my heart started POUNDING hardcore, and my upper body was like twitching. he said that could have been the adrenaline from the shots, but i asked for the gas and it helped calm me. then the dr left so that stuff would kick in. i got pretty high, it was great. i remember saying stupid things, i just didnt care. i told the assistant all about school and japanese, and then started counting in spanish. and i kept sticking my tounge out and biting my lips, because i couldnt feel anything. so then they started pulling, and the dr was telling me jokes and having a good laugh at my expense. he would say some really stupid jokes and i would laugh hysterically. i swear, i have never talked this much at the dentist. it was great.

it was a strange feeling, hearing sounds that would normally be painful, like the drill thingy, or the sound of ripping out the tooth, but i would feel a bit of pressure on the sides of my mouth and that was all. the top teeth look really weird. the roots are like leaning to one side. got home, and i was bleeding for a few hours. finally i stopped, and had some mashed potatoes. jess stopped by and brought me coldstone so i had that too.

today mike and anne and ben and sam (my dads friend since forever and his family) all came down last week for a vacation, they live in california. so we went over today to visit. we met ben last year, when he was one, buut they just had sam in june, so we got to meet him for the first time. we went to franklin and got cider and donuts. ben was asleep while we were there, but sam was up, and anne let me hold him, but then he spit up a bit. hahah they he cried which was since he was hungry. but i got some pictures with him!

came home, and went to walmart to buy for beckys baby shower tomorrow. got some cute little baby things! baby clothes are so cute!
then went to the john goodbye party at work. not as many people as i thought showed up. but lauren was also having her 21st bday party at the bar, so her and becky werent there.
a few of us played guesstures and that was fun. girls kicked ass! so many funny things from that game.

sarah drunk dialed me, and it was amusing! love you girl!

oh shittttt.

thought it would be beneficial to watch a video on wisdom teeth getting pulled, so i can understand whats happening.

less than a minute in, and im freaking out.

i dont want to slit my gums opennnnnnnn!! =(

im scared!

god today was an AWFUL day. just starting at work

go in to find bob fucked the schedule again, so he has jess closing line, with jake and kevin, the new guys with her. so me and mike on cash, with no mid. as wednesdays have been ridiculoussly busy the last couple weeks. greeeat.
on the brightside, jess said tim and bob are getting their jobs shifted, so bob wont do scheduling anymore, thank fucking god. its gone on for way too long, how stupid he makes it.

so, it starts out ok until mike gets there, and it starts to get busy. i take a phone in for 2 asiago roast beefs, and they asked if we had the bread. i assumed since it was pretty early in the day still, that we did and said yeah. when i brought the order over, turns out we didnt have enough. we got a complaint call about some lady who keeps bitching about her roast beefs are always really tiny, and she never gets enough bread. its true, the bread is ridiculously small. she was being insane apparently, saying stuff about shell wait to come back a few months when we're all fired. right.
so, the guy comes in for the phone in, and i tell him we're actually out of the bread. he goes "i was told if you didnt have the bread to cancel the order. but she specifically asked if you had it. thats wrong." and walked away. so i feel guilty now. well later we get a call from them. apparently the chick starts cussing out bob and yelling at him and saying shes calling corporate. so when he hangs up, he goes "thanks for that" and walks away. so now i feel like shit, because i know he would rat me out before taking the blame for himself, and im worried that im gonna get in big trouble for it. so im like shaking, feel awful, and seriously holding back tears because im so afraid. trying to deal with the customers and finish my bubbler so i can go on break, and then he walks by again and says "you messed with the wrong woman. shes real pissed" and i couldnt even talk because i was trying so hard not to cry, and just said "i guess so". so he goes "next time dont just guess so becuause we're gonna get in trouble thanks to youre guessing" wow. make me feel better, please.
so im trying still to put this thing together, blinking back tears, and then joe and ginny walk in, the old people who love me. and bob is ringing them up, and joe says something about how im his favorite and whatever, and bob was like yeah, i hear that quite a bit. so i seriously almost lost it right then. finally finished the bubbler, and clocked out and sat in my car the entire break sobbing. i was very close to calling sarah and bawling my eyes out to her. went back, and probably looked so high, my eyes were all red.

at the end of the night, he asked if we were still cool. i said yeah, that he had every reason to yell at me. it was my mistake, and i admit it. i wish i didnt, but it upset me more the fear of getting involved with corporate, and him yelling. i hate looking like a shitty worker. im better than that. thats what he said too, that it was a lana-like move. ouchhh.
so. i was absolutely starving since i skipped out on dinner to cry my car into a boat.

i really hope corporate just dismisses it. its fucking bread. yeah, i should have doublechecked, and i really dont know why i didnt. but for all they know, we could have sold the last bunch right before i rang them up and i didnt know yet. shit happens, get over it.

so yeah, i pretty much never want to relive today ever again.

i feel strange.

havent updated in forever!!!

working and school is all ive been doing really. had several mid shifts this week, which was very nice. a well needed break from closing.

earlier in the week, went to ypsi and made sarah and jess do my linguistics thing. then we went for slurpees and stopped at the asian bakery. it waas sooooo good. i would be ok spending all my money there forever. i love donuts, i would eat them everyday if possible.

had a really weird dream the other night involving luke, and it makes me feel awkward around him.
me and eric are becoming total bffs lately. its funny because i cant stand him on line, and i dont really talk to him then because i have crap to do, and im mildly annoyed that hes working line and sucks, and i know if i distract him it will take him twice as long to make orders. he asked me why i wasnt talking to him, and then once he was on dish that night he would not shut up to me. lol he loves me and i know it.

so, a manager that used to work at our store colleen, she left right before i started. last month they posted info about a benefit for her family. her sister, who must be around 30 or so, her husband was recently diaagnosed with cancer. i forget what kind, but it was realy bad and they were giving him only months. well then they found out the sister was also cancerous, really bad also. they were holding this thing last month to raise some money for the bills and everything, plus they had 3 kids, ages 7,9, 11. last week jess told me that the sister had a stroke, and so they were giving her days. found out tonight that friday night the husband died, and the sister passed tuesday night. so now colleen, who is 27 and unmarried, and was just promoted to general manager of a store, is raising the 3 kids. how insane is that?
i cant even imagine how awful that must be. both parents dying within a week of each other. apparently they knew the dad waas sick, but were only told a month ago about their mom. we were talking, and i dont even know which would be worse, knowing or not. esepcially when they are at that age where they sorta understand things, but not very well. thats rough. and poor colleen, going from being an aunt to having 3 kids to take care of. and the grief they all have. ive never even met colleen, and this breaks my heart. really puts your life in prespective. i complain about crap all the time, but im so lucky to have these things to be upset about. i have parents who love me and are healthy and all that. i feel so selfish for bitching about my life.
i really hope those kids can get through this. thats gonna be a real tough time for them.

today was overall a pretty bad day.


had to go to the dentist. i dont hate the dentist, but like the drs, i just dont like it. contrary to popular belief, i dont love having someones fingers in my mouth sticking sharp objects at my gums. since im 19 i dont need the fluoride which is AWESOME, but the chick was so ruthless to my poor sensitive teeth. im surprised i didnt get dizzy from so much blood loss, seriously. she stabbed so much, i was flinching so bad. my jaw and gums ended up hurting all day. literally, i left the dentist just before 11. i finally stopped hurting around 6:30 or 7. thats ridiculous.

they decided to take out my wisdom teeth now, because they have been watching them for the past 2 years, but they still havent broken through yet. the roots have been growing though, and he wants to get them out before they start getting to the nerves or causing issues. so i suggested december when ill be out of school, but my mom said NO! lets do it the 16th becuase i have the day off, and you get out of school early. plus the next day, we are probably hanging out with mike and anne, so i already requested saturday off. and since i changed my schedule to have fridays off for jsa, i will proably not work that friday.
so, im kinda nervous because ive never had a surgery, only teeth pulled and thats nothing. i keep hearing both sides "its not so bad" or "it was really comlicated and i could feel everything" im just worried about not being able to eat food, and if i swell a lot. i hope it all goes really well.

so. dealing with my face pain. then i start my period. so now tummy pain too. went to ihop after the dentist, and so i wasnt hungry on break. which is good, because it would have killed to eat anything.

came home, napped, and then went to work. it was incredibly busy and we definitely had an all star team. sarcasm duh. it really frustrated me, with everything else happening. makes me not look forward to tomorrow. closing with lana and no cash mid. i kinda thought of a plan, just as long as we arent super busy, or get lots of people staying late. idk. i hope it goes smoothly.

came home, and started writing my paper. at work i thought of a good intro, which is very very rare. but it made starting the paper much easier. in a way i enjoy this, because they want us to explain everything very well, as if our audience is real stupid. so not only does it make the paper fill the word count requirement, but its helping me to keep track of everything lol. im basically a third done. i just hope i can keep lengthening it just right, so i dont have to edit a lot more stuff just to meet 1400 words. im about to ptfo though, so i have to get up early and finish.
gotta love procrastinating.

i really dont want to wake up. everrrrr.

for some reason, i feel like i have weirdly important things to share.



so mandy died in 05. almost 4 years ago. and ever since, i would occasionally, although they were more common right after, i would have these dreams where it was normal life, but i would suddenly remember mandy. like i thought she was dead, but she wasnt, so i had been neglecting her and it was bad. another specific dream was that i knew she died, but somehow she came back to life. another was that i left her cage exactly how it was for like months. those dreams always really bothered me when i woke up, and i still think about them. i felt like it realy happened, and i was guilty. like a really bad person for neglecting her like that.

for quite a while after i was looking after hammy, i caught myself peeking into the other room about to say hi to him. its weird how easy you fall back into an old habit, like checking in on mandy anytime i go upstairs.


so my mom sometimes plays bunco or whatever with my aunt and her friends, and tonight she did. she got home literally a minute after i did, and the van of people had a surprise for me. my 45 year old aunt just got her nose pierced. i was thoroughly disgusted. thats so trashy. its gonna look great with the gray hair dear. my uncle is gonna be pisssssssed. tbh, i think thats the main reason she did it.
my family is quite dysfunctional. so glad i was birthed by the right parents.


i want to see zombieland now. apparently it was really good.

sunday bob scheduled lana to close. and we dont get a cash mid, so im doubly fucked. thank you for finding no other person to close. ughhh im not leaving until like midnight then. gross. i really want to cry for some reason. it pisses me off that much.

john got promoted to general manager, which is awesome, but he;ll be leaving in 2 weeks to go to southfield. i hate that. once hes gone, every single manager will be newer to the store than i am, with the exception of gary. i dont like that. john is really cool, so this sucks.


i keep procrastinating on this damn paper. i regret taking philosophy. ughhh.

random rant time!!!

i really hate people who get upset and take you all seriously when you say you wanna kill yourself. i say that all the time because im about to do something that i hate or sucks major balls. i would never really kill myself, and if you think i would, you are clinically insane.

most of them say "oh well, people do kill themselves all the time and suicide is a terrible issue and i know people who killed themselves"
yeah that sucks, sorry that you lost a friend and whatever, but they were a pussy. if you think that dying is the easier issue, you have a lot of problems. you are just causing more pain to your family. way to be a bitch. and honestly, its harder to deal with a shitty life than to just cave and end it. if everyone who ran into a bit of hard times killed themselves, we would have like 100 people left.

man up and deal with life. we dont have it for very long anyways.

pretty crazy weekend.
one of the worst.

jamie is awful, and im debating whether to go to gary about what she did. i dunno though.
sooo busy on sunday, plus with the audit happening today, we had to do a ton more cleaning.
i didnt leave until 9:46, and i was the first to go. fucking ridiculous.

today was a bit better luckily.

so much homework happening right now. philosophy paper due sunday, and i have no idea what to write about. i dont even understand the stupid dialogues. ughhh worst decision ever.

discovered a scholarship for free room and board. for a telluride house, kinda like a share house thingy for all the students who get this scholarship. it seems very prestigious, because only like 30 people are in at any time. maybe its just not well known, its only been at michigan for 10 years. idk.
it seemed awesome, but i dont really understand the whole place, i dont know anything about it.
and i thought why not? might as well just apply, at least give it a shot. but it requires letters of recommendation and all that, and i dunno if i want to put all the effort into that if i dont really want it.
thats the biggest thing, i dunno if i really would want to move. like, i talk about it now because i know i cant afford to move on campus. but if i got a free place to live, would i actually want to? i dunno if its worth it...

i dont exactly understand the world.

why is it wrong for girls to be strippers and slutty in the real world and shit, but beyonce can dry hump the stage and spread her legs real wide and its the greatest thing ever.

vmas are silly.
lady gaga is wonderful though.


nothing exciting has happened lately.

dylan just quit, so i guess we're gonna hire someone else, which will make 5 new people. one girl started yesterday, an older lady named claudette. mandys gay friend jacob starts this week too, and then another lady and another guy i guess....
i think im ending up forcing eric to be my new best friend, since all of mine at work have left hah. whatever, i know he doesnt mindddd =) lol

i thought i had more excitement this week, but i guess not.
lame!